The Only Way Out is Through
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I’ve spent years waxing poetic about living in the present. About intentionality. About embracing the now.
But here’s the thing, friends: sometimes your now just... sucks. And it’s okay not to want to be in it. It’s okay to focus on the future instead.
Lughnasadh is coming up next week. I’ve been thinking a lot about cycles and seasons—how life moves whether we’re ready or not.
Over the past few months I’ve been learning more about the human condition, mostly by dipping a reluctant toe back into dating. Honestly? Not my favorite thing. I miss the familiarity of my old relationship. I miss the comfort of being with someone who already knew all my quirks—someone who understood that I.do.not.drink.coffee. Someone who could spell my first name correctly.
That’s the thing about old love: it’s easy to romanticize. Easy to see its imperfections as charm, like the patina on a vintage dish. It can make you forget why it ended. It can make you forget how painful it felt, being lonely inside a relationship. Because that kind of loneliness cuts deeper than the quiet I sit with now.
Dating has made me feel young, in a way. I’ve met interesting people: a fisherman, a retired police officer, a service dog trainer, veterans, people who moved here from cities. I’ve flirted. I’ve heard new stories. I’ve been reminded that there are so many different types of people right in our own backyard.
But I’ve also met people like me—emotionally dented and dinged. We all arrive with our baggage tucked neatly out of sight. We smile and talk the weather, pretending not to notice the matching scars we both wear.
One date even made it to a second round before leaving me with the smallest heartbreak—a paper cut instead of a wound, but pain is pain. And honestly? I’m tired.
I’m tired of giving my mental bandwidth to this. I don’t know how else to meet people at this stage of life. Dating apps? Meh. I’ve met some people, sure, but it feels like a numbers game. And while I know the more open I am, the more likely I’ll find someone who fits… I’m just so ready to skip to the part where someone already fits. The comfortable sweatpants phase. Lazy Sundays on the couch. That soft, easy love.
But the only way is through. And some days, it’s dark in this tunnel. I keep going, but it feels like I’ll never feel the sun on my face again.
I’ve largely decentered men and romance from my life. But I won’t lie—it still lingers in the corner of my heart. It’s become a chore, like checking email. Another obligatory meet-and-greet with an 85% chance we’ll both ghost each other by next week.
So here I am. Still walking. Still hoping. Trying to trust the process, even when the path feels endless.
On The Blog
Endings and Beginnings
Hello Friends,
I hope this finds you well and safe and enjoying the season of Mabon. Here in Western Maine we have moved from the warmth of late summer into crisp, cool mornings and evenings. Life has been busy, but I’ve managed to get outside and enjoy the changing of the seasons. One of my favorite places to walk and think is a big field near my house. It has beautiful views of the mountains and runs along a quiet little river. I always joke that this place is my church, my gym and my therapist’s office.
Do you have any special places in nature that you enjoy?
Turns out I am Not Taylor Swift and I Can’t Do It With a Broken Heart
You may have wondered where I’ve been for the past month. I mentioned over on Patreon that I was taking a hiatus from Mabon House while I got my bearings around nursing school and life in general. But that was not all that was the full story.
One area of life that I rarely share about is my personal relationship. My significant other and I have always kept things private and low key. We’ve been together for well over a decade. We don’t share kids or live together or co-mingle finances. We just had this kind of unique relationship of his place/my place and it worked for a long time. Until it didn’t. So on top of school and work and life in general, I’ve also been weathering a rather gut wrenching break up. I have forgotten how much heartache hurts. I think the worst is over, but for a few weeks I wasn’t able to do anything beyond the bare minimum, while listening in turns to Taylor Swift and Noah Kahn on repeat.
I’ve experienced enough loss of loved ones over the past few years to recognize that what I am feeling most right now is strait up grief. I’m just grieving for the relationship and the empty place where it used to be.
It was not a dramatic, angry ending. Rather two people who love each other, but recognize our paths no longer align. I’m glad that we left things on good terms. But there are moments when I think it’d be easier if I was just angry. Anger blunts the sharp edges of loneliness, grief and sadness.
To be honest, I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to continue writing at all, I was feeling so overwhelmed. And I know there are more ups and downs to come, but today feels like a good day.
The leaves are beginning to fall and my gardens are full of delicate asters and dancing goldenrod. The growing season is in its last act and soon we will bid goodbye to all the reminders of the past year. It is both an ending and a new beginning.
So thank you for being here, friends.
side note: I love Noah Kahn, but one should not listen to his music if one if already feeling sad and depressed.